You're going to love this! These are the best tips in the world and... while you're laughing, be honest to yourself and check the ones you're guilty of.

Of all the people I know, I used to master unhappiness the best! And you should always learn from the best, right? This is going to be funny, but humor has (at least) a seed of truth :).

No matter what the situation, I had a trustworthy, proven and reliable recipe for disaster, to bring me back to the low vibration state of… unhappiness.

Given this huge amount of knowledge and experience that I posses, I feel:

1. The responsibility to not keep it selfishly to myself, as well as,
2. The irresistible urge to share it with the world, to share it with you.

Isn’t that very kind of me?

These genius methods are tested by no one other than myself and I guarantee that my signature system works every time. Of course, I saved the best to the end, like the icing on the cake. 

Enjoy and apply immediately for best results!

Tip #1: Crush your self-confidence like a bug with the sole of your shoe

Self-confidence is a great asset to elevate you when you fall or fail, when things get tough and don’t go your way, when people, situations and ‘winds’ seem to work against you.

The best ways to minimize your confidence are to

• Remember past failures, e.g. when you bent over during your tennis practice and your pants had a hole right between the legs (this actually happened to me), when you didn’t get that job you wanted or when your girlfriend dumped you for someone else (“it’s not you, it’s me”).
• Surround yourself with pessimistic, unsuccessful and weak people, to drag you down whenever you seem to have a spark of optimism or motivation; there is not much to worry here, because if your energy is usually low, this is the type of people you will attract anyway… so continue to do what you’re doing.
• Set unrealistic goals and (of course) not achieve them, such as losing 1/4 of your body weight in a week, while only eating a spinach leaf (baby spinach) per day. You will feel miserable by the end of the week — target achieved!

Go for it… or perhaps you don’t feel self-confident enough to do even this… You’re right, you SHOULD be feeling ​doubtful of yourself, otherwise you risk becoming happier, which we want to avoid.

tip #2: Get mad, especially for the things you can’t control

… and focus only on the negative.

The bad weather, the broken nail (OMG, the worst thing evaaa, right?), the traffic, the politicians, the fact you had to postpone your dinner to Thursday, because you had to help your dad… there’s so much potential out there.

Additionally, as soon as you start feeling any feeling of lightness, don’t wait for too long, hurry to find a negative thing to focus on, because even if it’s just your imagination, your brain won’t know the difference. Basically everything that seems positive can be turned into something negative, just use your imagination.

This is very important, as you might start liking the light and pleasant feeling and this will ruin your plans of permanent unhappiness, be aware and careful!

Being a perfectionist and worrying for no reason are very helpful tools, as well.

tip #3: Your intuition doesn’t know s**t

Your intuition doesn’t serve you, only your limited brain does, this is why you should only listen to your brain. Value your reason only!

Always guide yourself by what others expect of you, what others tell you, what others are, do or have and what ‘looks’ good from the outside. The external cues only are the ones to trust and follow.

Your internal barometers should have no saying in the decisions you need to make, so crush in the egg your visceral feelings, ignore you tightened muscles, forget about the pain in your solar plexus and swallow the knot in your throat, those sensations are only pushing you away from the ‘right decisions’.

TIP #4: Delay making decisions

… and when you do, always look back and ask: was it the good decision? 

The idea of “good or bad” is said to be more what you make out of it and also a lot about your own perception… but never mind that, convince yourself it was not good, that you should have chosen differently, in order for you to make sure you are full of regrets, as well as maybe shame and/or guilt.

Doubt yourself with every decision you make… because it might be (it is most probably) the bad one. Do not listen to those people telling you ‘there is no bad decision, every decision is the best with the information you have at the moment of that decision’, it’s non-sense.

Convince yourself you should have chosen differently and be regretful, if you want to ensure your long-lasting unhappiness.

TIP #5: FOMO and the unworthy present moment

FOMO stands for Fear Of Missing Out. But you knew that already.

Here I can provide invaluable and universally tested coaching. The main idea is to always be convinced that other people are having a better time than you are right now. Social media helps a lot with this. Studies show how our mood drops after scrolling down for a few minutes over the Facebook feeds. It doesn’t get more simple than that to be unhappy.

This has the additional benefit, that it makes it impossible for you to appreciate the present moment and even makes you resentful towards the people you are with, in the sense that ‘who needs these guys anyway, when elsewhere the fun is greater?’. They will sense that you are not fully present and not enjoying your time with them and will eventually avoid to spend time with, you will thus have fewer and fewer friends — mission accomplished for eternal damnation!

tip #6: Do not do anything that activates your happiness hormones

To be clear, this is imminent danger! Happiness hormones are secreted during activities like physical exercise, social interaction, sex, achieving goals, sleeping well, volunteering or sun-bathing.

All this needs to be carefully and strategically avoided, because the feelings (sensations) provided by these hormones are somehow addictive and you might be sucked into happiness in the blink of an eye. Biiig no-no!

tip #7: Do not forgive

Forgiving releases both you and the other person of what doesn’t serve you and allows the free flow of energy through your bodies, unlocking any blockages caused by your conflict (misunderstanding, lack of communication, fight… whatever it was). But, of course, we don’t want that.

The recommendation is to hold on to the conflict, reiterate it in your head, maybe renew it once in a while with the other person, creating potential to deepen it, to ensure the permanence of feelings such as resentment, anger, disappointment, sadness, etc.

This will eventually lead to the somatization of the feelings, meaning you will become physically ill from holding on to them. Unhappiness reloaded!

TIP #8: Compare yourself to others CONSTANTLY

Comparing yourself to others is one of the most important instruments in your tool box.

There will ALWAYS be someone more attractive, smarter, more talented, richer, more beautiful, with a faster car, with more resources, etc. Now, even if in one isolated case you might feel that you are better than another person, just be sure it’s just your impression.

That person actually IS better than you.

Comparison makes you feel inferior, not good enough, like a mess and a failure, especially because people tend to show their best stuff to the outside. You’ll never know what they’re struggling with, because we all are, you should just focus on obsessing with their perfect life, compared to the mess in yours.

As said, this NEVER fails. Trust me, I’m sharing my top unhappiness methods here.

TIP #9: Under no circumstance be kind to yourself

… because this solves everything and you lose your chance of being unhappy for the rest of your life!

You have all the reasons in the world to hate yourself: your imperfect body, your unsatisfactory results, your inappropriate, not-good-enough, disappointing… everything.

Honestly, how could someone love anyone so messy, unworthy, good-for-nothing you?

Loving yourself is the worst thing you can do if you want to enjoy long-lasting unhappiness, because it balances out ALL your previous endeavors! Understanding, kindness, compassion and love towards yourself are a disaster for you unhappiness. No matter what you do, stay away from them, because you will be drawn into happiness. Ew!

As soon as I apply even just a few of the above tips, my state and energy level drop, my brain becomes foggy, I start feeling a constriction in my solar plexus, a huge amount of weight lowers on my shoulders and a thick and heavy shadow covers my universe. Bullseye!

Sooo, what were those world-class tips again:

1. Crush your self-confidence like a bug with the sole of your shoe
2. Get mad, especially for the things you can’t control
3. Your intuition doesn’t know s**t
4. Delay making decisions
5. FOMO and the unworthy present moment
6. Do not do anything that activates your happiness hormones
7. Do not forgive
8. Compare yourself to others CONSTANTLY
9. Under no circumstance be kind to yourself

Unhappiness at its best!

You now know what’s to be done! Which ones are you already doing? And where do you need to up your game?

But truly, joke aside, WHAT will you choose for yourself from now on… ?

How will you.. choose differently?

* Originally published on Medium.com.