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AHA Community > Connection & Relationships  > Self-love smells like lavender & ylang-ylang (5 myths about self-love)

Self-love smells like lavender & ylang-ylang (5 myths about self-love)

Why like lavender and ylang-ylang? Because the lavender calms you down and ylang-ylang gives you energy.

Loving yourself gives you a combination of inner peace with vitality and joy for life. Self-love means good decisions and inspiration to transform your desires into reality. When you love yourself you are attractive, you are seen as a role-model and people seek your presence.

Doesn’t this sound… enticing?

So… what stops you from loving yourself? I bet it’s the way we’ve been raised, a series of misconceptions and false conclusions from our experiences and beliefs such as “self-love is selfish” [you can roll your eyes now].

The BIGGEST mistake we make comes from the way we define self-love.

Self-love is not self-sufficiency, pride, superficiality or attitude of superiority – nobody likes those! A person who loves herself is a person who knows, respects and accepts herself, WHILE understanding, respecting and loving others.

Now that we are on the same page with the definition, let’s bust some myths on self-love to allow it to thrive in ourselves!


  1. Self-love = Selfishness

This is the most common one.

So often we, the ones giving up on ourselves and our desires and needs, we expect the others to do the same and we either

  • are disappointed if they don’t do the same and think that we are not worthy of love OR
  • we start feeling resentment and regret that we gave up what we actually desired

Now, these emotions (disappointment, doubt, frustration, regret) don’t serve us, don’t serve the other person and don’t serve your relationship.

Even more than that (and I’m challenging you here a little), self-love is an act that lifts both you and the other person up: when you love yourself, you allow the other person to do the same.


And if you actually don’t want to offer that person this freedom, then we can start talking about attachment or dependency… Well? You still think self-love is selfish? I though so… ?


  1. Self-love = Neglecting others

Au contraire! When you take care of yourself, you make sure “your cup is full”, as one of my mentors puts it. When your cup is full, then you have more to give to others. Voila!

You cannot offer from an empty cup because… you can’t offer want you don’t have. But you can offer wholeheartedly from a full cup.

Let me give you an example:

  • When you feel good, resourceful and full of energy, you feel you have enough love for the whole Universe, but…
  • How do you feel when you’re stressed, drained, overwhelmed? Most probably the lady at the cashier annoys you, a simple email stresses you out, you lose your patience with your loved ones and… goodbye enough love for the whole Universe!

Take care of yourself and fill the cup through acts of self-love, so you have enough to give to others, too.


  1. Self-love = Arrogance

According to the above definition, self-love means putting yourself first, which is different from arrogance. It means taking action from a place of self-confidence, peace, alignment and… love. This CANNOT go wrong!

You are the only person responsible for your happiness. Not your parents, partner, employer or therapist.

Let me say that again (so it sticks).

Only you are responsible for your happiness, not your parents, not your partner, not your boss, not your therapist.

Only you know yourself, your needs and desires and only you can truly ensure that they are met. Either through you or through others (them actually being channels of what you generate inside of you, but this is a topic for another day).


  1. Self-love = Suffering of others

This is the scarcity and limited resources mind set. It’d like saying “if I’m happy, you have less happiness available” or that “love is a limited resource”, meaning that if there is more love in one place, in another place the level of love decreases. It’s absurd, isn’t it?

Remember that what it good for you, is good for the world. We can ALL be happy at the same time. I would actually even say that the positive energy given by self-love will help raise the vibration of everyone around you: “how come she’s so full of energy and joy all the time? I want that too!” And they will learn from you and follow your example.


  1. If I put myself first, the others won’t love me

When you put yourself first, the others will love you even more. When you love yourself you are self-confident, you are attractive, you radiate positive energy & are inspired, at peace and fulfilled. Who doesn’t like to be in the proximity of such a person?

The best part is that in that state you can tap into your infinite inner potential and have enough to give to others, too. Yes, they will love you more.

Plus, when you love yourself, you KNOW you are worthy of love. The Universe will just confirm what you already know. How? Through people who love you. Oh, how beautiful!

For upcoming posts on signs that you don’t love yourself enough and suggestions of acts of self-love, stay tuned and sign up for the newsletter at the bottom of this page.


Diana Firican


  • irina

    March 8, 2018 at 7:28 am

    i used to put it as ‘you are the only one responsible for keeping your own cup full’, which seems to fit in perfectly with your metaphors :).

  • irina

    March 9, 2018 at 12:54 pm

    Mostly within the same conversation, though from somewhat a different perspective and ignoring the sidetracking into ideologies as not relevant for the point, I have just read this and thought it might strike a chord with you: https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-up